An open letter to men

Hey,

whatsup? As a woman concerned for your well-being, please take what I am about to say as genuine advice, advice that you should seriously effing take. Moreover, the sole fact that I am a woman makes me overly equipped and qualified to tell you what I am about to. Fellas, it’s time to grow a beard.

did you know it is scientifically proven that beards and scruff make you more attractive? A study that did not need to be conducted concluded that male facial hair and attractiveness are highly correlated. This is something women and gay men have been trying to get you all to realize and this letter is another effort in that pursuit. Case in point: recent World Champion Boston Red Sox. The curse may have been broken in 2004 but with only one other win in 9 years it took the power of the beard to bring this team to victory, teaching us all that beards make you gents score (yes, women understand sports).

and haven’t you heard us go on and on about Ryan Gosling and Justin Timberlake?? Well, take note and quit fearing the beard- instead, embrace your face and keep it warm. I promise it will pay off, except of course for some reason you manage to grow a flesh colored beard.

Movember may support the cause of men’s health but a simple beard or scruff supports the somewhat greater cause of making you more appealing to the world. So take Movember a step further this year and grow a beard, and then continue to maintain it for the rest of your life.

sincerely,

a member of the better sex

also, while I have your attention, NO FLIP FLOPS EVER.

Dear social media idiots…

Specifically, those who comment “where is this?!” or “where are you??” on a geotagged photo.

Did you suddenly forget how to read?

Because that is the only excuse for your stupidity. I get that you probably just saw a filtered picture of some crazy delicious food porn, and in turn suffered from a minor stroke, but if this is really the case you probably shouldn’t even be on Instagram. Lets take another look at the picture you just idiotically commented on.

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See that? Right above said picture? It’s an effing geotag. You were dumb enough to comment asking where the picture was taken so you probably have no idea what a geotag is. Allow me. A geotag is the process of attaching or “tagging” geographical identification to various media such as a photograph or video.

In short, you’re an imbecile.

Let me further explain: when you comment asking someone where a picture they just geotagged was taken, not only are you asking them to repeat themselves but you are showing them your blatant disregard of basic context clues. A simple glance with but one of your fully functioning human eye balls will direct you to the link above the picture that reads “The Smith East Village” or “dank sandwich place” where you can then (even more simply) click on the link for the exact geographical location of the huevos rancheros you just saw. You see, where the owner of the photo tried to share the wealth and let everyone know where they can indulge in such deliciousness, you reminded them that there are still incompetent people in this world.

lurve, patty